talk about roller coasters...
this week has sucked. even the week before. palm sunday, i felt funky. don't know why. i felt so funky, apparently, that lynn (choir director) noticed. when i started to think about it, i figured it out. i had canadian withdrawal. he had left the friday before. so i figured couple of days and i'd be ok. but it's still going. (oh, and the dog peed in my bed. gross. disgusting. just. ew)
call it baby blues, postpartum (or postnatal), call it what you will. i call it mommy moments. it's not full on depression, but it's not nothing.
you say: but doesn't that happen right after childbirth - when all the hormones are out of whack?
yes. and no. hormones stay out of whack for a long time! before i left the hospital, one nurse told me to look for signs of PPD for AT LEAST one year.
i didn't get my first mommy moment until lily was 5 or 6 months old. i flipped out. she was crying and i yelled at her. i started to cry after that. i yelled at the one person in my life who doesn't know what she's doing. i fed lily, gave her a bottle, and was bawling the whole time and i didn't know why. mom was at work, jenny couldn't come over. i talked to jeremy. he helped a little - made me laugh. but after lily finished her bottle i knew i had to put her down and walk away for a little bit. i wasn't going to hurt her, but i wasn't going to be able to help her either. i needed to step outside and remind myself that i do need time to myself. living with someone constantly dependant on you is a burden that i never thought would be there. call me naive.
every now and then since, there may be a couple days here and there where i am just so overwhelmed with emotion but i can't let it out. i feel myself being on the verge of tears, but nothing happens. i can't really do anything about it. (i should say i don't do anything about it) there's no time. it's a lame excuse, especially when it comes to mental and physical health. but i only see lily for maybe 3 hours a day during the week. 4 or 5 if i'm lucky. the rest of the day she is at day care or sleeping. i want to spend my time with my daughter. she is doing so much, so quickly...i dont want to miss anything!
i understand that talking helps. it's difficult for me to talk about it. no. scratch that. it's easy for me to talk about it. it's difficult for me to talk about what i'm feeling.
so here's what i'm feeling: (deep breath)
canadian makes me so happy. he really does. i would not trade him for anything! but knowing how hard this will be...knowing limitations...knowing all of the obstacles that we face. i think i'm ready for it. i really hope i am.
i'm happy being a mom. i wouldn't change it.
i am so freaking scared. of everything. this relationship scares me. my baby scares me.
i feel like i'm losing myself. (oh here's the tears. i forgot what they felt like) i don't know where becky went when mommy took over. i need to find her again.
i don't know what to with myself anymore. i'm stuck in this routine. same as before. i don't do anything for myself.
i don't know who i am anymore.
God - i feel so lost. help me find who You want me to be. help me to be the best that i can for my daughter. let the Spirit light my candle again, so i can shine Your light. thank you for the everyday angels You put in my life. You make them such blessings!
all of this and more, i pray in Your Holy name, Amen
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I was trying to think of something really profound to say and just decided that there are no real words to express what a wonderful mother I think you have turned out to be. Ok, maybe just one:) I am sure that some of "Becky" got lost in the last year or so. But while that was happening ... a caring heartfelt mother emerged. You'll find Becky again:)
ReplyDeleteYou're the absolute best!